A Dixie Carpetbagger

There are creatures out there that look human, but aren’t.  Here’s how to tell them apart.

Homo sapiens

Intelligent tool users, clothe themselves, use fire to cook their food and seek to understand their surroundings and explain natural phenomena.  Pretty much everyone who is reading this belongs to H. sapiens.

Homo domesticus

Regressed humans.  Imagine you not-so-bright family members… then turn down the I.Q. a notch or so.  Have begun to abandon tools, might fail to clothe themselves, sometimes eat raw food, and have no curiosity towards their surroundings.

Often seen hosting news shows and opinion pieces for left-of-center networks or in front of podiums.  Destructive through exuberance.  Might attempt to mimic H. sapiens or C. sapiens hominis, but usually fails to perfectly blend in with either.

Canis sapiens hominis

Literally, “wise man-like dog”.  Possible cross between Homo sapiens and Canis lupus rufus (the red wolf).  Method and date of cross unknown– but due to date of appearance, might possibly date from the period 1600- 1700.  Modern examples of this species show highly aggressive tendencies, including extensive predation of both H. sapiens and H. domesticus.  Lack intelligence of H. sapiens, but seem to have gained the pack drive and territoriality from C. rufus.  Recent examples have shown an ability to exert total control over their pack, including being able to over-ride both self-preservation and millenia of civilization.  Certain members of the species seem to have lost their self-preservation instinct, possibly due to prolonged lack of socialization with H. sapiens.

Can be differentiated from H. sapiens due to a feral gleam in the eyes and subtle growling noises made during conversation.  Destructive through malevolence, and cannot be totally domesticated.

March Madness you’ve heard of, but what about “March to Madness?”  Currently in round 4 (Execrable Eight), it’s getting down to the wire.

Some of the highlights for this round:

Matthews lost because not even God watches his show anymore.  [...]  Dan Brown takes down the ol’ Ku Klux Kodger of the Senate. While they both lie with impunity, people actually believe Dan Brown.  [...]  Tough choice in the battle between VOTF and the view. One group is composed of a bunch of secular loud mouth biddies that deride anything holy, mock the Pope, and are nauseatingly shallow and the other is the girls of the View.

This reminds me why I love Catholics.  That, and the motto of the blog: “we laugh because we believe.”  (For those who have never read it, The Joyful Noiseletter is the epitome of that idea.)

I’m just sad O’Reilly got knocked out– seriously, the guy listens to re-runs of his own show.  “Screw you, Aw-ec Bard-win!”  And Biden took out Nickelback in the first round.  Which I applaud, and I like Nickelback.

Also, for the giggle factor, the same thing, but with Presidents.

Craig Lancaster wanted to prove that Chicago Police officers are treated the same as others when they break the law, Cook County prosecutors said.  So in a drunken argument with a friend last summer, prosecutors said, the 41-year-old veteran officer shot a gun in the air outside an Ashburn bowling alley where he also worked security — and waited.

Hmm, this sounds familiar…

Ah, now I remember.  But, this guy did get arrested… only to be acquitted at trial.  Glad to know Lady Justice works so well without a blindfold…

(H/T Uncle)

This weekend is the NRA Annual Convention.

Of course, such an event attracts gun bloggers.  Known attendees include Breda, Caleb, Countertop, Jay, Joe Huffman, Sebastian, Uncle,  Weer’d and Xrlq.  Known absentees include Robb, Roberta, Tam and of course, myself.

I had originally planned to attend, but I couldn’t fit it into my schedule– even by the shortest route, it was over 9 hours each way, and that involved going through Birmingham and Atlanta.  (I personally doubt that estimate– I’ve driven the roads in Alabama that route goes over, and there’s no way you could do 55 all the way…)

Sebastian sat in on the law conference (a.k.a. “the room I’ll be the farthest from”) while Bitter sat in on the Leadership Forum.  She points out that Charlotte greeted the event by asking the convention goers… to not shoot anybody.  I would like to point out to the NRA that maybe instead of a 280,000 sq ft convention center, they might like to have 220,000 sq ft, 600,000 sq ft, 1,400,000 sq ft, or even 7,000,000 sq ft to play with.  (The last one, the Orange County Convention Center, even has hotel rooms and food services on site.  Plus, Orlando is a helluva lot nicer than Charlotte.)

Only problem with the tri-state area is that the Yankees amongst us might not be able to survive it.  While 84 degrees might be tolerable, I don’t think summer temperatures in Montgomery or Orlando will be… which is why those convention centers are completely enclosed.

One event I sorely regret missing is the Gura V. Helmke debate.  (Update here.)  What I wouldn’t have given to have had Mike V. in the front row… “Why, Mr. Helmke, it’s your friend Mike!”

Also, quote of the event comes from Bitter:

We’re now on to Heath Shuler, one of those evil right wing Democrats [...]  He believes he may be the member of Congress who buys the most ammunition. That would be an interesting debate to have.

I can actually see this debate going down in whispers during a State of the Union address…

Shuler: I buy the most ammunition of any of us.
Boehner: No way.
Ryan: Yeah, in just .223 I have at least 100 thousand.
Bachmann: Heck, I just count it by the ammo can now.
Paul: I count it by the pallet now.
Wilson: YOU LIE!
(uncomfortable silence)
Wilson: Sorry… you were saying, Mr. President?

And, of course, Jay and Weer’d in the same car is creating humor by the mile… sounds like something me and my friends would do.  Which validates what my high school art teacher always said… “there’s rednecks everywhere.”

So, I missed a good debate, and speeches by Larry Potterfield, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.  (sigh)  Maybe next year…

(crosses fingers)  Here’s to hoping for a video of Gura and Helmke.

Stand your ground. Don’t fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here.
– Capt. John Parker, 19 April 1775

Many people know a little about Patriots’ Day, and a little about what happened that day at Lexington and Concord.  The full story is both sad and inspiring.

He [Capt. Parker] was in poor health from consumption (tuberculosis) on the morning of April 19. [...] He witnessed his cousin Jonas Parker killed by a British bayonet. Later that day he rallied his men to attack the regulars returning to Boston in an ambush known as “Parker’s Revenge.”   This was his only military action in the American Revolutionary War. He was unable to serve in the Battle of Bunker Hill in June, and died of tuberculosis in September. — Wikipedia, “John Parker”

In the end, I can’t add that much to these events, or their telling.  I’ll close by quoting two poets, one telling this story, one telling a much older tale.

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,
Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled,
Here once the embattled farmers stood,
And fired the shot heard round the world.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Concord Hymn”

Then out spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the Gate:
“To every man upon this earth
Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better
Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers,
And the temples of his gods?
– Thomas Babington Macaulay,
“The Lays of Ancient Rome”

ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Dear Democrats-

I’d just like to point out that the current situation won’t end so well for you.  Oh, it won’t turn violent, like you always try to play things off as, but this ends with your party holed up in the cities, avoiding anything beyond the city limits sign because out there, there be teabaggers.  Don’t believe me?  Well, we’ll wait and see.  But I just want to point out that you’ve lost Howard Stern.  You might still be able to cut a deal with the American people and keep some power… but force this November, and conservatives will break you.

Sincerely,

A Dixie Carpetbagger

Answer: when the Left says it is.  And you better remember that, friend!

The current debate over whether or not Obama’s a socialist is beginning to take on a “Monthy Python meets 1984″ quality…  “‘e’s not!”  “Yes, ‘e is!”  “No ‘e’s not, look at ‘is ‘eautiful plumage!”  “The plumage doesn’t factor into it!  ‘e’s a stone cold socialist!”  “That word doesn’t mean what you think it means, chum!”

So, to go back to the original metaphor, we have a creature hatched from a duck’s egg, raised by ducks, hangs out with ducks, waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck… and the proof that this creature isn’t a duck is that the last creature in this position… was a duck.  (Scratches head)

Okay, so if Bush was anti-capitalist, pointing this out makes Obama pro-capitalist how?  Seriously, I know Bush was bad.  Matter of fact, I realized that in… oh, I don’t know… 2004.

Seriously, it’s like the Dems are two year olds now…  “but MOOOOOOMMMMY, Georgie f*cked the economy over, WHY CAN’T I?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

Whether you’re going to a Tax Day Tea Party or going to make this Buy A Gun Day, be careful and be safe.  Remember– stay alert, stay alive.

Canada is set to get rid of their gun registry while California is getting ready to set one up.  Ah, California, your state’s almost bankrupt, and Canada’s registry cost them billions– this might not be a bright idea…

Aww, f*ck it, let’s just break out the nukes and make everything south of… (looks at map) say, Yuba City an island.  Who’s with me?

(H/T Sebastian, Sebastian again, and Uncle)

Via Dr. Lott, two articles– one on New York, one on L.A.  Turns out crime’s going up in both cities.  Crime, going up in cities with gun control?  Why, what’s next, a mechanical egg cracker?