Scene: Smalltown Post Office, interior, late afternoon. Two postal clerks (who look remarkably like Barney Frank and Liza Minnelli) are standing behind the counter. A loud TEENK, TEENK, TEENK noise is heard from outside. There is no direct view of what is causing the noise.
Barney Frank Simulacrum: There goes that guy on the SMART car again.
Liza Minnelli Simulacrum: Why does he always honk his horn like that?
BFS: I don’t know. It’s annoying, though.
LMS: Damn skippy.
From outside, an engine is heard revving up to full power. Both postal workers look at each other in surprise. Moments later, the SMART car bursts through the exterior wall sideways and comes to rest in front of the clerks. It is obvious that the SMART car has been T-boned by a larger vehicle.
SMART Car Driver: Ugggh…
In the hole the SMART car entered through, a figure is seen. The figure steps into the room and is revealed as A Dixie Carpetbagger, holding a fireman’s axe.
Dixie: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue. You were honkin’ your horn and wavin’ to everyone. [silence] What’s the matter? Oh, you were finished? Oh, well, allow me to retort!
The Carpetbagger then walks to the SMART car, and using only one hand, rips the driver’s door off with the fireman’s axe.
Dixie: What’s the 0-60 time of this vehicle?
SCD: What?
Dixie: [Slams axe into the hood and rips it off] Why do you always drive around honkin’ your horn and wavin’ at folks like a prom queen?
SCD: What?
Dixie: Look, I ain’t playin’ this game. I seen the movie, we both know how this goes. How ’bout you just fire up your Mattel car and get out of here while I’m comin’ down off my berserker rage?
The driver fires up his car and begins driving out of the hole his car entered through. As he passes The Carpetbagger, he honks his horn (TEENK) and speeds away. The Carpetbagger stands in hole and waves his axe at the (slowly) fleeing car.
Dixie: I’ll get you, Smart Car Driver… if it’s the last thing I do!
(Why yes, I had inspiration…)
Linoge
22 Jun 10 at 7:47 PM
*giggle*
If only… If only.
Though, really, performing the Mythbuster’s JATO test on a Smart car has a certain degree of interest associated with it…
Dixie
23 Jun 10 at 12:59 PM
(JATO rockets fire, ripping the body of the SMART car off the frame, which then goes flying off into the distance.)
Adam: How do we call this?
Jamie: BUSTED!
Miguel
23 Jun 10 at 8:49 AM
Outstanding!!!!!
You really think you need an ax? Can opener I think will suffice.
The first Smart Car I ever saw was in the backwoods of North Carolina during a sanctioned IDPA match. I asked the owner if he kept the windup key in the trunk of the car and how many windups per mile did he get. Owner was not amused.
Dixie
23 Jun 10 at 1:01 PM
The driver in the story is based off a guy in my hometown. He will *ALWAYS* roll his window down and do the wave-and-honk routine. Gets old. Quick.
Miguel
23 Jun 10 at 4:11 PM
Two words: Molotov Cocktail.
A small one though, you won’t need much.
Dixie
23 Jun 10 at 4:24 PM
So, use the little hotel mini-bar bottles?