A Dixie Carpetbagger

There’s no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren’t enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking the laws. …just pass the kind of laws that can neither be observed nor enforced nor objectively interpreted – and you create a nation of law-breakers – and then you cash in on the guilt.   — Dr. Ferris, Atlas Shrugged

Weer’d has a post up about stupid laws and how they’re not enforced.  He points to one of Florida’s stupid laws (tie an elephant to a parking meter, and you have to pay the meter).  I’m going to point to a few more.

In Florida, you cannot-

1. Shower naked (no, I’m not f*cking kidding)
2. Fart in public after 6 P.M. (local or Eastern?)
3. Break more than 3 dishes a day (take THAT, clumsy waiters!)
4. Fall asleep under the hair dryer at a salon (half the older ladies in my area just became criminals.)
5. Wear a strapless dress if you are a male (but what if it matches my shoes?)
6. Sing in public while wearing a swimsuit (spring breakers, watch out…)
7. Live together and commit “lewd acts” while unmarried (now my favorite cousin’s a criminal…)
8. Commit “un-natural” acts on anyone (wait, what’s “un-natural”?)
9. Have sex, unless it’s missionary style (ahh, I think I figured “un-natural” out, guys…)
10. Kiss your wife’s boobs  (wait a second, I though that was cool under 7?)
11. Have sex with a porcupine (wasn’t this covered under 8?)
12. “Third Base” is off-limits.  Period.  (But what if you’re in the approved position?)

Translation– if you’ve been to Florida on spring break, you’re a criminal.  Period.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to arrest myself and wait for the police to arrive.  I know I have a pair of handcuffs around here somewhere…